you float away and leave me behind
by vaporwavebomb
Summary: what's between izuku and todoroki is a friendship, one built off of a rivalry, one that's grown, one that izuku came out of with one of the best friends he could ask for. that's why he wishes, so badly, for his feelings, the kind that would ruin their friendship, to go away. (or: Izuku's journey through unrequited love, heartbreak, and the healing that comes with it)
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own My Hero Academia, or the poem mentioned in this story.

(Edit: 10/16/17: I added line breaks to make reading easier, hope it helps!)

* * *

Todoroki is many things, Izuku decides, but what stands out the most is his kindness. It's a quiet kindness, one that you don't notice at first, until you're hurting and there he is, a hand lightly laid on your back, eyes soft, voice low, something comforting and something beautiful.

Even when Izuku made a fool of himself, words tripping over one another, stuck in another rambling monologue about this or that hero, he was always smiling in his own way- eyes alight, the hard line of his mouth twitching up every few moments, it was an original Todoroki brand.

Izuku was so in love it hurt. And wow, did it hurt.

Todoroki is many things, Izuku knew, but he wasn't in love with him, as much as he wished otherwise. He used to think in maybes, when the soft brushes of hands and smiles saved only for Izuku seemed so special, so promising. He remembered the dreams he had, ones where him and Todoroki would be older, defeating villains together, collapsing into a bed at the end of the day, curled around one another.

Those ones always hurt the most.

But he knew better now, God did he know better. Izuku wished it hadn't happened the way it did, but obviously, his wishes didn't mean much.

* * *

 _(It was one of Class 1A's famous game nights, and they were playing truth or dare, as prompted by Mina._

 _Izuku found it silly, but not that exciting, with the dares only ranging from 'Prank call All Might' to 'Drink a shot of hot sauce.' They were funny, but nothing too worrying._

" _Todoroki," Tsuyu croaked, "truth or dare?"_

 _He thought about it, before finally deciding, "Dare."_

 _She put her finger to her chin, almost innocently, but Izuku could see her fighting back a smile. "I dare you to kiss your crush."_

 _Whistles rang out, along with cheers, but what was really embarrassing was how almost everyone was sending_ him _a look, anticipation thick enough to cut through._

 _Then Todoroki sent his whole life spiraling, all with just one sentence: "I don't have a one."_

 _Everyone stopped laughing, nudging, having fun, they all stopped._

" _A-Are you sure?" Uraraka asked. She was one of three people who he had actually told about his crush._

" _We could close our eyes if you're nervous," Kirishima offered._

 _Todoroki shook his head, as if to shake off what they said. "I really don't have a crush on anyone. Can I do a different dare?"_

" _Sure," Tsuyu said, but it wasn't as bright as before._

 _Izuku could feel everyone looking at him, concern and pity in their eyes, all because they didn't understand that this is what he had expected. He knew that any chance of a boy as amazing and handsome and nice as Todoroki liking him were slim-to-none._

 _He was Deku, he was nothing, he wasn't good enough for someone as good as Todoroki, and that was okay._

 _Even when he cried for hours in his room afterwards, he still repeated to himself 'it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.')_

* * *

So, yeah.

He knew he didn't have any chance, and that's okay. Really. He was fine.

"Have I done something?" Todoroki asked.

Izuku didn't mean to avoid Todoroki, it just happened. Any time he thought about talking to him he thought about that night, and when he thought about that night his chest got tight and his throat closed off. He decided that it would just be better to wait for these feelings to go away before deciding to talk to Todoroki again, but obviously, that wasn't going to work.

"No, what do you mean?" Izuku asked, hoping he could play dumb.

Todoroki sighed, steam leaving his mouth, and he seemed to hunch further into himself. "You've seemed...distant. I just wanted to make sure that everything between us is okay."

"Of course it is." The lie felt heavy in his mouth, dry as cotton balls.

Todoroki stared at him, and Izuku wondered, panic seeping in, whether he already knew. Everyone else did, it wouldn't be a stretch. Todoroki might be oblivious to others feelings, but he wasn't anywhere close to an idiot. It felt like his crush, everything he felt, was written smack dab on his forehead, bare for the last person he wanted to know about it to see.

"Okay." It was flat, and Izuku winced, because he knew that Todoroki wasn't buying it.

* * *

Second year passed by slowly, and Izuku knew that part of the reason for the sluggish pace was because of himself. Ever since that night of truth or dare, he began to drift away from Todoroki. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't out of any actual want, but he was so afraid, afraid of how the person he saw as one of his _best_ friends would react.

Todoroki, it seemed, had accepted the distance. Sometimes Izuku wanted to scream at him, ask him, " _Why are you okay with this? I thought we were friends, best friends, didn't that mean something, anything? Don't leave me, please, please!"_

It wasn't fair, though, to put any blame on Todoroki, and Izuku knew that, so he devoted most of his anger to his favorite target; himself. He would stay up late at night, full of hate and regret. Sometimes, he was sure he'd drown in the pool of feeling he'd filled up with all of the tears he'd shed, but he never did.

He was always left to float.

* * *

Where Izuku normally went to Todoroki for comfort, he found himself with Iida. Iida wasn't the best in the feelings department, and while Izuku could see why he was compared to a robot, it was endearing, funny even, to find himself sitting with Iida, listening to him rant about their classmates, or study for their latest test.

However, one of their favorite pastimes is reading together. Not even both of them sitting in silence, reading different books. Instead, they pick a book and one of them reads aloud, depending on who picked it.

This time, Iida had grabbed an American poetry book, _Milk and Honey_. A lot of the poems had made him blush something so fierce Izuku was sure he would burst, but he didn't have much room to talk, when at times during Iida's stuttered words he felt the tips of his ears burn.

By the time they had reached the second part, Izuku, without thinking, had laid his head on Iida's thigh. He felt the stumble of a heartbeat before he heard the hitch of breath. He almost shot back up, wondering what came over him, before Iida plowed on, warm baritone filling the room.

"Don't mistake/salt for sugar/if he wants to/be with you/he will/it's that simple," Iida recites.

Izuku takes a shuddering breath and squeezes his eyes closed, counting down the days since he decided to give up on Todoroki. It's not until he hears the book being set aside, and a hand curling slowly _(lovingly)_ into his hair does he let the tears pour out.

Something had changed that day, between himself and Iida. Somewhere along the line, they had grown closer, and it wasn't just out of a need to get away from his feelings for Todoroki. Now, when they sat at lunch, Izuku didn't feel his gaze drawn towards his past crush, instead, all of his attention was on Iida.

When Izuku had accidentally stayed in Iida's dorm late into the night, his friend had simply invited him to stay over. They had gotten close enough that he finally explained why he was so jumpy with Todoroki these days, and when he did, Iida had looked thoughtful for a few moments, before nodding.

"I'm sure, no matter the way Todoroki would feel, he would still want to be your friend."

Izuku shook his head. "It would leave things weird between us though! It's better for me to work out my feelings before I start talking to him again."

* * *

"Honestly," Iida fumed, "if I have to remind Kaminari one more time about wiping up the floor after he showers, I'm going to lose it."

"You know-" but before Izuku can suggest that they just get a bath mat, a soft knock rings out from Iida's door.

"Ah, yes," Iida hummed, suddenly looking much more sweaty and nervous than before, getting up and mechanically moving to the door. "I may have forgotten to mention that someone else would be joining us while we study."

Izuku could feel a sick dread rise up his throat, and he already knew the answer before he asked, "W-Who?"

Iida opened the door, and just past it stood Todoroki. He didn't look as good as Izuku remembered, deep bags ran under his eyes, a sadness so deep etched into his clenched hands and wide eyes it hurt to look at. And at the realization that Izuku _couldn't_ really remember when they had last talked, he winced, gaze darting away and back.

"Come in, come in!" Iida said, grandly gesturing. "Make yourself comfortable while I fetch us all something to drink. Izuku, you like white grape, right? I hope you like it too, Todoroki."

He rushed out so fast Izuku suspected that there had to of been some mild quirk usage. Todoroki coughed, and Izuku reluctantly focused back on him.

It was quiet, before Todoroki flicked his hair out of his eyes and walked further into the room, closing the door behind him. He tilted his head, eyes as cold and flat as his voice when he asked, almost mockingly, "Izuku? When did that happen, between now and when you decided I wasn't worth your time?"

Izuku winced, curling into himself, hands shaking. He gripped at the carpet, and mumbled to the ground, "T-Tenya and I have just gotten closer recently, nothing m-more."

"Midoriya," Todoroki began, "you are one of the most important people in my life, you know that, right?"

"Y-you're important to me too."

"Then tell me, please, why you've been avoiding me," Todoroki begs. "We never talk, or go out together, you don't even look at me, what did I do?"

"Nothing," Izuku said. His eyes stung, and he could feel that old hurt well up again, the one he thought he buried under nights of a hand curling into his hair, a voice reciting a poem, one he thought could never come back to haunt him.

"That's a lie!" It wasn't a shout, but coming from someone as solemn as Todoroki it felt like one.

Izuku shook his head and decided, finally, that it was time. "You don't get it Todoroki-kun, you did _nothing._ I-I thought that maybe we had something between us, something more than friendship. You'd smile at me, and I had never seen you smile at anything other than your mom! We would go out, and I tricked myself into thinking that maybe _you_ wanted it to be a date too, but I was so wrong, every single time.

"You never felt anything that I felt for you, and it hurt, so I'm sorry, okay? I just didn't want to hurt anymore, I wanted something that you couldn't give, and being around you every day reminded me about that. Y-you're one of my best friends, I didn't want to lose you, not because of some silly crush."

They sat together. Todoroki was quiet, but he seemed to unfurl, like a weight was pulled off his shoulders. "You really felt that way? All this time?"

"Yeah…"

Todoroki sighed, before leaning into Izuku's side. "I… don't know what to say, I'm sorry. Either way, it seems like you've moved on, huh?"

Izuku laughed, softly, feeling the tension ebb out of himself. He leaned onto Todoroki, and wondered what they were, if they were anything. "Tenya's been good. I don't know what we are, and he doesn't either. I'm still trying to get past what I feel for you, and well, for the two of us, that's okay."

And this time, he meant it.


	2. Please Read This

Hey guys!

This isn't a real chapter, but I just wanted to let you know that I've just published the sequel to this story: _i could be drowning if you'd say my name_

It would really mean a lot to me if you could give it a look and leave a review!

I should also have up the sequel to my other MHA story _'those green eyes (make no monster)'_ soon!

Thanks for the support,

Panic


End file.
